I had a bit of a revelation the other day while doing my homework. It's something I really felt I had to write about. I suppose the repetition in the post kind of serves the purpose and meaning behind it pretty well.
This post is very emotional to me, I cannot put all of it into words, and I think I've done a pretty bad job of what I did put into words. Some day I'll use music for it.
But this also serves as a warning, please do not let this post ruin your day.
Allow me to give a quick synopsis of my everyday these days.
Every day I wake up in the same fashion in the morning at 7:25ish due to the calamity caused by my brother and my mother. Every day I say good bye to my mother as she goes off to college and prepare my own breakfast. Every day I take out my MP3 player, turn on the alarm of the house, lock the door and walk to school.
I reach school, every day I sit through accounting, composing in my head or day dreaming about places, people or ideas. I uninterestedly copy my notes and do the home work, only half my mind. Every day, I leave my accounting class hoping to run into certain friends so I can greet them a good morning. Every day I enter my chemistry class and take the notes. I see my pen against the white of the paper from the same perspective every day, the motions in my hand are the same, even the words are often the same.
Every day I go and eat lunch with my friends, every day I remember what was, I remember what I wish was and I dream more. After lunch, every day I walk to my math class with a sense of excitement, excitement of seeing a friend. Every day I leave math in a negative air, feeling like a failure for not being able to summon the required courage to talk to my friend and not completely understanding the math as well as I should. Every day I walk in silence with my friend up to my Biology class, every day I sit in my seat and dream more, about places, people and ideas. Every day, I leave my class and attend what ever club to attend before walking home listening to more music. The scene is always the same, with the constant collage of colour moving on my right and the houses on the left.
Every day I reach home and relax for a few minutes, every day I reply to any Facebook updates or forumn threads. Every day I check Cracked and Reddit, try to find some new music. Every day I pull out my Math binder and start my math home work. Every day I put away my math homework and do what ever other work needs to be done. Every day I realize how late it is and go to complete my appropriate work out. Every day after wards, I look at my guitar case with a longing deep within of the want to take it out and play before looking at the time, showering and then sleeping.
When the weekend comes, every day I repeat my motions and try to find time to relax, but find instead nothing to do with time. Every day I await with dread the day of school that comes so fast.
Every day, I repeat my motions. I try without fruit to find a purpose. What do I do this for my friends? Why do I constantly starve my heart for the greater good of my mind? So that I can receive an education.
Why do I want an education? So that I can attend university, graduate, settle in with possibly a family and get a job. Why do I then spend the rest of my life in a constant cycle of work and sleep? So that I can support myself/my family and retire in peace with a good pension plan
What do I do when I am retired? I lie in my chair thinking about how I am too old to be doing anything adventurous. I some day die. My futile life behind me.
Why do we exist my friends? Why do we get our turn to land on Earth to live in a continuous cycle of movements, a continuous endless motion. From birth to death. Why do we repeat the same motions lived by our parents and their parents and their parents before them with barely any variation often?
This is a cycle that I know does not exist only now. It is a cycle that started started from the moment we are born, that goes through different phases. Is our purpose in life simply to experience these phases for our self? Why? When the billions of humanity that came before so too did experience?
Of course there are always variations, the life cycle of one born in North America will differ from he born in Poverty in a mountain region of Tibet. But the point stands that we live this life in a continuous cycle.
What different is there between yesterday and today? When they will both be nothing but a memory tomorrow? A memory un remembered, for yesterday and today were both the same in so many ways and so the same as tomorrow.
Why do we exist like this my friends? Is it so that we may create a new stepping stone and farther reach out from what the generations have done before us? So that we can create a new platform for our children to work on? So that they can learn new things. Why do they learn new things? So that their children can learn new things, and so the cycle will go on until the end of eternity. For this is our life. This is apparently our purpose.
I suppose this all means that it's the little things in life that matter, one learns to appreciate all the little tad bits that happen on a day to day to basis, the things in between the routine.
But look at the big picture my friends, we live a futile life. There is no purpose for our existence. We will pass on our genes, so that our children may pass them on and so on, but what is there to this? When our parents too existed purely to pass on their genes to us? What is there to this endless cycle?
Alas it is, that this revelation has occurred to me. Alas it is, that realize I live for no reason.
But is this any reason for me to go and commit suicide? No, then I would simply die for no reason. I am here, there is no reasoning behind my existence, but I am here. While I am here, I shall try to make the best of my life, I shall try my hardest to create my own cycle that is unique by a greater factor to those of people around me and I urge my friends to do so as well. I shall try to create my own mark before I fade away with the sands of time.
Amazing post. Very deep and although you may think that you didn't convey your thoughts as well as you had hoped to, you did. I'd like to see what would happen if you were satisfied with the words you put down. You would likely join the likes of Mark Twain. I do see where you are coming from. You feel as if you are stuck in a rut. But also, keep in mind that just because you have the same routine everyday, it doesn't mean that that is the reason for existence. No one knows why we live other than God, and until judgment day, no one will. That being said, I want to congratulate you. Congratulations for being in a rut. You know your life so well that it's become routine. It's quite difficult to do that, believe it or not. Now, you can work on perfecting your routine and enjoy it at the same time. Perhaps you might have to change your routine a bit. Find the time to socialize, play the guitar and enjoy life. Life isn't just about learning and passing down information to our kids. There's so much more to it. Alas, that is a big part of it, but surely not all. Think of it logically, if everything was repetitive, we'd be in the same place as cave men right now. Imagine how other animals feel, they are exactly like their ancestors. Ants, sharks, crocodiles, tigers and so many more, have barely changed. Now, look at humanity. Just in the past century, look how far we've come. Of course everything isn't the same. We're "evolving" one way or another. We're constantly advancing. How is it that we do so? We increase our knowledge and apply it. That's the reason why you are in a rut right now. You're increasing your knowledge, but you can't apply it yet. When you do get into the field that you want, you will apply it and everyday would be different (as it is now). The reason why you don't sense that things are different from a day-to-day basis is perhaps because you don't fully enjoy the events that go on in the day. Maybe you would once you apply your knowledge when you're an adult. There are two parts to life: the technological/science/ knowledge part and the artistic/emotional part. You need to find the latter. Otherwise, without both, life would be very bland. Add some "spice" to your life. Try to enjoy what you enjoy. For you, music. Play some guitar. Spend some time with your friends. Don't worry, just socialize. There's always time. As for the big picture, it's the little things that build up on that picture (http://abteens.blogspot.com/2010/09/god-and-reason-for-our-existence.html). Try to enjoy life, not just live it.
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